Discreet City's Top 5 Reasons Gay Men Over 25 Years Old Need To Grow Up!
Discreet City | Nicholas Delmacy
Discreet City | Nicholas Delmacy
Here’s another TOUGH LOVE installment from your friend Nick Delmacy. I don’t write these list articles to be judgmental, only to shine a light on things we all need to work on as evolving Gay men of color. A lot of the things I write apply to me as well and are reflections of deficiencies and shortcomings that I’m working on in my own life.
This go around, we’ll focus on the decline of responsibility by Gay men 25 and over, especially men in their late 30s and 40s. There comes a time when we need to grow up and follow the example demonstrated by the generation that came before us. Excuses are easy. You can blame the declined economy or a homophobic society, but at the end of the day they are all just manufactured external reasons to avoid looking within self for the culprit.
This go around, we’ll focus on the decline of responsibility by Gay men 25 and over, especially men in their late 30s and 40s. There comes a time when we need to grow up and follow the example demonstrated by the generation that came before us. Excuses are easy. You can blame the declined economy or a homophobic society, but at the end of the day they are all just manufactured external reasons to avoid looking within self for the culprit.
See the Top 5 Reasons Gay Men Over 25 Yrs Old Need To Grow Up, In Just One Click!
All across the country right Gay men in their late 20s, 30s and 40s are living with someone that is not their boyfriend or husband. Some stranger that they have to awkwardly introduce to their date as they tip-toe through the house trying not to disturb. To make matters worse this is seen to be the norm. I’m not talking about the men who own sprawling mansions and rent out the East wing to make a few bucks on the side. I’m referring to the guys in cramped homes/apartments living with as many as two roommates just to pay the $600 per month rent on time.
I could throw a rock randomly in a Gay Club/Bar and I GUARANTEE that I will hit a man with a roommate. Roommates and Gay Men go together like porn stars and the shattered expectations of parents. Speaking of parents, if you’re still living at your parents' home to “get back on your feet” and its been over a year, we better not EVER see you in a mall or club or any place where you’ll have to spend disposable money…EVER. You need to be cutting back and saving every penny possible.
To make matters even more worse you’ll see these men using odd things like old found milk/mail crates as furniture. Not in a cool “Hey, look at our creative decor” kind of way. They use them because they have nothing else to sit the Living Room television on. And that’s if they even have a television…Often times they’ll be using their laptops as the sole "television" (YouTube videos, yay! Great date night, huh?) As a man in the gay dating scene, there are few bigger turnoffs than seeing that the object of your affection sleeps on an air bed or just a single cheap mattress thrown in a bedroom corner without even a frame, let alone a headboard.
I could throw a rock randomly in a Gay Club/Bar and I GUARANTEE that I will hit a man with a roommate. Roommates and Gay Men go together like porn stars and the shattered expectations of parents. Speaking of parents, if you’re still living at your parents' home to “get back on your feet” and its been over a year, we better not EVER see you in a mall or club or any place where you’ll have to spend disposable money…EVER. You need to be cutting back and saving every penny possible.
To make matters even more worse you’ll see these men using odd things like old found milk/mail crates as furniture. Not in a cool “Hey, look at our creative decor” kind of way. They use them because they have nothing else to sit the Living Room television on. And that’s if they even have a television…Often times they’ll be using their laptops as the sole "television" (YouTube videos, yay! Great date night, huh?) As a man in the gay dating scene, there are few bigger turnoffs than seeing that the object of your affection sleeps on an air bed or just a single cheap mattress thrown in a bedroom corner without even a frame, let alone a headboard.
Get your weight up. I know, it’s easier said than done. However, you must be focused on getting your shit together and the comfort provided with having a roommate doesn't help that. It’s a crutch in many ways. If at 30 years old you can’t afford $500-700 in rent/mortgage, you need a new career (or a career in the first place, being a cashier at H&M doesn’t count). Think about it, at $800 per month, that’s less than $10,000 a year in rent. If you’re a 30-50 year old man that can’t earn $10k in TWELVE MONTHS you should be embarrassed. That’s BELOW both the United States and United Kingdom’s poverty line! You are literally a poor gay man…that likely STILL goes to the club every week and buys the latest name brand clothing and electronics. This is a big part of the problem, Gay men feel the need to live above their means while attempting to give off the outer appearance that they are not in fact poor.
Undoubtedly, the “Hey, I live in New York City” excuse will be tossed out there. True, some cities have a higher cost of living. However they also have lower income housing. Your desire to live in a Manhattan loft near central park with two roommates is a choice. There are just as many great apartments you could afford without roommates in Brooklyn and Queens. So the solution for you: Move to a place you can afford independently. It’s so much more liberating.
Maybe I’m old school. I just remember older folks past 25 years old (like my parents, aunts, uncles and older cousins) not even considering something like a roommate at this age. To be honest, instantly after their college years they shunned the notion of a roommate. Not only for the odd perception it gives to others, but also for the self-pride in finally having their own place…to walk around naked or be as messy as they wanted. If they got lonely, they got a pet (or a relationship). They rarely lived above their means and always had enough furniture to look like an “adult” lived there. Even if their place was a tiny one bedroom apartment in a seedy part of town, they were proud of it and worked hard to be able to do better in the future.
We’re in the midst of a generation of Gay men who see poverty as not only the norm, but something to be proud of on some level. If someone is going through a rough patch, that’s understandable…those are not the people I’m talking about. We’ve seen many people with great jobs suddenly wake up to be laid off in Obama’s failed economy. When you have to still pay that mortgage on time, a roommate is a quick relief until they get back on their feet. However, those people are RARELY comfortable with a roommate and work hard EVERYDAY to change their situation. Learn from them and work just as hard to change yours as well.
Undoubtedly, the “Hey, I live in New York City” excuse will be tossed out there. True, some cities have a higher cost of living. However they also have lower income housing. Your desire to live in a Manhattan loft near central park with two roommates is a choice. There are just as many great apartments you could afford without roommates in Brooklyn and Queens. So the solution for you: Move to a place you can afford independently. It’s so much more liberating.
Maybe I’m old school. I just remember older folks past 25 years old (like my parents, aunts, uncles and older cousins) not even considering something like a roommate at this age. To be honest, instantly after their college years they shunned the notion of a roommate. Not only for the odd perception it gives to others, but also for the self-pride in finally having their own place…to walk around naked or be as messy as they wanted. If they got lonely, they got a pet (or a relationship). They rarely lived above their means and always had enough furniture to look like an “adult” lived there. Even if their place was a tiny one bedroom apartment in a seedy part of town, they were proud of it and worked hard to be able to do better in the future.
We’re in the midst of a generation of Gay men who see poverty as not only the norm, but something to be proud of on some level. If someone is going through a rough patch, that’s understandable…those are not the people I’m talking about. We’ve seen many people with great jobs suddenly wake up to be laid off in Obama’s failed economy. When you have to still pay that mortgage on time, a roommate is a quick relief until they get back on their feet. However, those people are RARELY comfortable with a roommate and work hard EVERYDAY to change their situation. Learn from them and work just as hard to change yours as well.
Maybe it’s the circle of gay people that I’ve been around but a lot of them seen to not only be devoid of reliable transportation, they also are not in any rush to change this or find an alternative. These are the gay men that require you to pick them up for any and all dates. These are the gay friends that constantly need a ride to work or to the club. These are the gay men that are too good for buses or subways but are not too good to bum rides from friends/family/dates...without even offering money for gas (especially given these high prices in Obama’s failed economy).
Like the previous entry, these gay men don’t even see that there is a bad thing. When they don’t perceive something as a problem, they won’t work towards fixing the situation. This is why you see so many online profiles demand that guys “be mobile,” in their profiles. The problem is so widespread that it has to be a prerequisite to dating! I’ve personally been in situations where a guy initiated setting up a date, it was planned and at the last minute he said, “Hey, I’m not mobile so you have to pick me up. By the way I live on the other side of town and don’t expect to be spending the night at your place so you’ll have to drop me off at the end of the night as well.”
Okay, that last part wasn’t actually stated, but it was definitely non-verbally implied.
Like the previous entry, these gay men don’t even see that there is a bad thing. When they don’t perceive something as a problem, they won’t work towards fixing the situation. This is why you see so many online profiles demand that guys “be mobile,” in their profiles. The problem is so widespread that it has to be a prerequisite to dating! I’ve personally been in situations where a guy initiated setting up a date, it was planned and at the last minute he said, “Hey, I’m not mobile so you have to pick me up. By the way I live on the other side of town and don’t expect to be spending the night at your place so you’ll have to drop me off at the end of the night as well.”
Okay, that last part wasn’t actually stated, but it was definitely non-verbally implied.
This is not to say that people without cars shouldn’t date. That’s the opposite of what I’m saying. In many cities its actually very inconvenient to have a car. Also, there are environmentally conscious folks who prefer to not add to our tremendous carbon footprint. The reality is that If you don’t have a car, especially in cities like New York, you can still get around. Options like public transportation, taxi cabs and rental cars are perfectly fine modes of transportation for people without cars.
Admittedly, owning your own vehicle is definitely more convenient for a spontaneous rendezvous, quick encounters or errands. However, the notion that being car-less means you are this helpless butterfly that can’t actively travel without the generosity of others is just plain lazy.
Again, the solution is to get your weight up if the excuse is a lack of money or credit. There are car dealerships that offer vehicles for low down payments and people with bad credit…they have ridiculously high interest rates but at least you’ll be self-reliant again. Alternatively, you can finally shed your ego and embrace public transportation. It’s there for a reason and your tax dollars actually pay for a portion of its' existence. Making use of taxi cabs can be expensive but at least it will get you around more quickly than the city bus and you’ll give yourself an excuse to not worry about drinking and driving when hanging out with your alcoholic equivalent to Noah’s Arc.
Lastly, rent a car for the long term or just for a short weekend. Many rental companies have rate specials and you’ll always get to drive something new and no more than 2 years old. To cut down on the rental car rate even more, use your own car insurance instead of paying up to $25 dollars a day on insurance from the rental car company. Many insurance companies also have what’s called a non-owners policy for people that rent cars often yet don't own a car themselves.
Admittedly, owning your own vehicle is definitely more convenient for a spontaneous rendezvous, quick encounters or errands. However, the notion that being car-less means you are this helpless butterfly that can’t actively travel without the generosity of others is just plain lazy.
Again, the solution is to get your weight up if the excuse is a lack of money or credit. There are car dealerships that offer vehicles for low down payments and people with bad credit…they have ridiculously high interest rates but at least you’ll be self-reliant again. Alternatively, you can finally shed your ego and embrace public transportation. It’s there for a reason and your tax dollars actually pay for a portion of its' existence. Making use of taxi cabs can be expensive but at least it will get you around more quickly than the city bus and you’ll give yourself an excuse to not worry about drinking and driving when hanging out with your alcoholic equivalent to Noah’s Arc.
Lastly, rent a car for the long term or just for a short weekend. Many rental companies have rate specials and you’ll always get to drive something new and no more than 2 years old. To cut down on the rental car rate even more, use your own car insurance instead of paying up to $25 dollars a day on insurance from the rental car company. Many insurance companies also have what’s called a non-owners policy for people that rent cars often yet don't own a car themselves.
So far I’ve mainly focused on all of the destitute gays of the world…or "financially challenged" to be more politically correct. I’ll turn now to many of the older gays that are actually kind of well off. These gay men can be seen sipping wine and listening to gospel music while wearing a tight shirt/blouse on any given Sunday. These men demonstrate their disposable income by going on cabin trips and gay cruises several times throughout the year. Like a game of “Where’s Waldo,” they can be spotted in the publicity photos from ALL the gay pride party promoters all over the country. They have nice new (leased) cars and the all latest tacky overpriced clothing, one size too small of course.
What these men don’t have are investments in anything. All of their income goes to material objects and disposable experiences that do not grow in future. Honestly, this actually applies to lower income men as well. Many Gay men of color are obsessed with Keeping Up With the Grace Joneses. Gay men obsessively watching reality show Housewives and emulating their perceived lifestyle, even if they can’t afford it. This isn’t to say that gay men shouldn’t “live a little.” If you got it, flaunt it. However, you should only do so if you are also devoting large percentage of your income to investments in not only your retirement, but also your present self.
What these men don’t have are investments in anything. All of their income goes to material objects and disposable experiences that do not grow in future. Honestly, this actually applies to lower income men as well. Many Gay men of color are obsessed with Keeping Up With the Grace Joneses. Gay men obsessively watching reality show Housewives and emulating their perceived lifestyle, even if they can’t afford it. This isn’t to say that gay men shouldn’t “live a little.” If you got it, flaunt it. However, you should only do so if you are also devoting large percentage of your income to investments in not only your retirement, but also your present self.
Whatever your income is, devote up to 40% of it to investments. That means 60% goes to your bills/expenses, 10-15% goes to your retirement savings (such as a 401k), 15% goes to building on your emergency fund (car repairs, medical, family) and the remaining percentage going towards your personal financial or career goals (stock trading, graduate school, starting your own business, etc). Ideally you want to start small...enough to get the ball rolling. Soon enough you’ll train yourself to go without certain non-necessities as you see your overall finances and personal value increase as time goes on. Ideally you want to invest money in ways that it will provide long-term security or a high future rate of return.
As we’ve seen in Obama’s failed economy (seeing a theme yet? We can’t keep blaming Bush forever, folks, Barry’s not imperfect), anyone’s financial stability can change overnight. It’s extremely wise to not only have cash tucked away for the future but also have money put towards bettering yourself to be prepared for whatever curve balls the future throws. Always wanted to learn to speak Spanish? Invest in that goal and you will feel a sense of accomplishment and create more personal value for yourself in a country with an increasingly growing Latino population. Also, being laid off from your great job hits not as hard if you’ve got a nice sized nest egg to fall back on until the new gig comes along. Imagine if you'd bought stock in Apple back in 2001 instead of going clubbing and disastrous drama-filled cabin trips every week.
Start with small goals. Once you reach one of them, start a new one. The satisfaction of accomplishing the small goal will greatly improve your confidence. Also, it’s wise to “diversify your bonds” as the GZA once famously stated on "Chappelle’s Show" regarding investments. It’s wise to put your savings/investments into more than one place in order to protect yourself in the event that a single investment has a negative performance/outcome.
As we’ve seen in Obama’s failed economy (seeing a theme yet? We can’t keep blaming Bush forever, folks, Barry’s not imperfect), anyone’s financial stability can change overnight. It’s extremely wise to not only have cash tucked away for the future but also have money put towards bettering yourself to be prepared for whatever curve balls the future throws. Always wanted to learn to speak Spanish? Invest in that goal and you will feel a sense of accomplishment and create more personal value for yourself in a country with an increasingly growing Latino population. Also, being laid off from your great job hits not as hard if you’ve got a nice sized nest egg to fall back on until the new gig comes along. Imagine if you'd bought stock in Apple back in 2001 instead of going clubbing and disastrous drama-filled cabin trips every week.
Start with small goals. Once you reach one of them, start a new one. The satisfaction of accomplishing the small goal will greatly improve your confidence. Also, it’s wise to “diversify your bonds” as the GZA once famously stated on "Chappelle’s Show" regarding investments. It’s wise to put your savings/investments into more than one place in order to protect yourself in the event that a single investment has a negative performance/outcome.
Let’s be honest with ourselves, Obama didn’t use the embracing of LGBT rights to deflect attention from his failed economy for the benefit of CLOSETED gays in denial of their sexuality (okay, that one was a low blow but I couldn’t resist). It was for the open and Out gays who made their presence (and voting demographic) known. If you’re over 25 and have sex with men, even only occasionally, you’re Gay or Bisexual at the least. There are so many men still denying this truth about themselves. To be honest, it’s getting old.
Admittedly, I had a long journey to finally being comfortable enough to go to gay clubs and the such. HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean that I was in denial during those years. Although I may not have been comfortable at gay events, I accepted that I was gay pretty early on in my life. My journey is different than everyone else’s...but come the fuck on, its 2013…not 1983. I personally witnessed grown Gay men wave the Frank Ocean flag when he came Out all while living in denial about their own sexuality. These were not 14-year-olds being bullied, these were 30+ year old independent men.
Recently I went out to a gay club with a small group of gay friends. One of the friends said he had invited another friend of his to join us but he declined because he was uncomfortable. Here’s the kicker: That friend has been to gay clubs many times before, he just didn’t want to go with a group (if it matters, we’re all masculine guys). For some reason, the intimacy of a smaller group scared him while the idea of going to a brightly lit gay club full of hundreds of gays with only one other person didn’t.
In another instance, I once wasted my precious time dating a guy who felt uncomfortable even saying the word gay or even acknowledging that we were dating at all. Another situation had me befriending a 30-year-old (clearly) gay man for over two years that was only comfortable getting together in dark theaters to watch movies, sitting at least a seat or two away from each other. Once I caught on and said we had to meet in lit public places like normal friends, I never head from him again.
Again, everyone has his own journey but that kind of paranoid shit is for 20-year-olds, not 30-year-olds. No self-respecting gay man wants to be around that shit. It’s like going to an amusement park with someone who’s afraid of heights and doesn't want to go on ANY rides, total buzz kill.
Admittedly, I had a long journey to finally being comfortable enough to go to gay clubs and the such. HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean that I was in denial during those years. Although I may not have been comfortable at gay events, I accepted that I was gay pretty early on in my life. My journey is different than everyone else’s...but come the fuck on, its 2013…not 1983. I personally witnessed grown Gay men wave the Frank Ocean flag when he came Out all while living in denial about their own sexuality. These were not 14-year-olds being bullied, these were 30+ year old independent men.
Recently I went out to a gay club with a small group of gay friends. One of the friends said he had invited another friend of his to join us but he declined because he was uncomfortable. Here’s the kicker: That friend has been to gay clubs many times before, he just didn’t want to go with a group (if it matters, we’re all masculine guys). For some reason, the intimacy of a smaller group scared him while the idea of going to a brightly lit gay club full of hundreds of gays with only one other person didn’t.
In another instance, I once wasted my precious time dating a guy who felt uncomfortable even saying the word gay or even acknowledging that we were dating at all. Another situation had me befriending a 30-year-old (clearly) gay man for over two years that was only comfortable getting together in dark theaters to watch movies, sitting at least a seat or two away from each other. Once I caught on and said we had to meet in lit public places like normal friends, I never head from him again.
Again, everyone has his own journey but that kind of paranoid shit is for 20-year-olds, not 30-year-olds. No self-respecting gay man wants to be around that shit. It’s like going to an amusement park with someone who’s afraid of heights and doesn't want to go on ANY rides, total buzz kill.
Get over yourself already. No one is saying you need to come Out and jump on Gay Pride floats with nipple rings and a leather WWII Muir Cap. However at the very least you need to look yourself in the mirror and say, “I’m a Gay man…I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!” No matter how many straight people you think you will lose by coming to terms with your sexuality, you’ll gain another person to fill their place. I promise you this.
Life is too short to live under a dark cloud of other people’s perceptions and expectations of you. You’re a grown ass man now, live your life for you not them. This website proves that not all gay people are like the stereotypes. There is a liberation that comes with finding like-minded people who allow you to be 100% yourself.
Life is too short to live under a dark cloud of other people’s perceptions and expectations of you. You’re a grown ass man now, live your life for you not them. This website proves that not all gay people are like the stereotypes. There is a liberation that comes with finding like-minded people who allow you to be 100% yourself.
No matter if he’s a 4-hour-a-day gym rat that downs egg whites and protein shakes like water, 95% of all gay men indulge in some sort of unhealthy behavior. From alcohol consumption, marijuana and/or cigarette smoking, or high fat/cholesterol/sodium foods, aging gay men (and all men in general) put their future health in jeopardy.
Go on any random dating “hookup” site or cell phone app and you’ll see gay men aplenty proclaiming that 420 is a plus. What this means is they’re looking for fellow drug addicts to get high with. We here in the Discreet City are not prudes, anything is fine in moderation. However many Gay men indulge in excess. No matter how “safe” a man may think marijuana is, they’re still willingly inhaling smoke into their lungs. The dangers of excessive alcohol consumption are widely known, yet gay men of color are still in denial about the problem of alcoholism in our community.
The documentary, “Soul Food Junkies” (previously highlighted on our site) deftly examined how the foods we eat slowly deteriorate our health. We freely ingest foods high in calories, fat and cholesterol just for the taste or tradition of what we were raised eating by our equally non-health-conscious parents. True a person may “look” healthy and fit, but you never know what medical and physical ailments they suffer from, not knowing it is the result of the highly processed and preservative filled foods they have been eating for years.
Speaking of looking healthy, no bigger false indicator of health is appearance, especially when it comes to sexually transmitted diseases/infections. Not only do many gay man of color risk their health by engaging in sexual activities with many different partners, often times they do so unprotected. I can almost excuse this behavior with young men, but men over the age of 25 not knowing the dangers of unprotected sex is more unbelievable than a person saying Frank Ocean gave a great performance at the 2013 Grammy Awards.
Go on any random dating “hookup” site or cell phone app and you’ll see gay men aplenty proclaiming that 420 is a plus. What this means is they’re looking for fellow drug addicts to get high with. We here in the Discreet City are not prudes, anything is fine in moderation. However many Gay men indulge in excess. No matter how “safe” a man may think marijuana is, they’re still willingly inhaling smoke into their lungs. The dangers of excessive alcohol consumption are widely known, yet gay men of color are still in denial about the problem of alcoholism in our community.
The documentary, “Soul Food Junkies” (previously highlighted on our site) deftly examined how the foods we eat slowly deteriorate our health. We freely ingest foods high in calories, fat and cholesterol just for the taste or tradition of what we were raised eating by our equally non-health-conscious parents. True a person may “look” healthy and fit, but you never know what medical and physical ailments they suffer from, not knowing it is the result of the highly processed and preservative filled foods they have been eating for years.
Speaking of looking healthy, no bigger false indicator of health is appearance, especially when it comes to sexually transmitted diseases/infections. Not only do many gay man of color risk their health by engaging in sexual activities with many different partners, often times they do so unprotected. I can almost excuse this behavior with young men, but men over the age of 25 not knowing the dangers of unprotected sex is more unbelievable than a person saying Frank Ocean gave a great performance at the 2013 Grammy Awards.
For all we know, we only have one life to live. Take care of your body while you’re here, it’s the only one you’ll ever have. This doesn’t mean that you have to become the guy drinking a casein protein shake in the club. Nor does it mean you can only eat rice cakes and teaspoons of peanut butter for dinner. A lot of things are acceptable in moderation. But whenever you have that internal inkling that you may “have a problem,” most likely your instincts are correct. That is your subconscious sending you a message.
