Damn, as I've written before on the site, under 5'8" is just my type, lol. But yeah I feel you. Same applies to being tall too I guess. I always imagined that it must be really hard for bottoms 6'2 and taller. LOL.

Oh you forgot a good one...I dont like LIGHT skin men, I dont date DARK skin men. Really...there are guys out there that limit their pool of potential mates because of skin complexions.

Isn't it part of attraction just as much as height, masculinity, eye color, etc? I'm not saying to be horribly vapid and shallow, but why settle for anything other than what you want physically?

I left that out because that's for a entire post in itself. LOL.

Tony, at 21 you need to stop doing things just to be non conformist. Cause from my POV thats what it sounds like. I only say this cause I was the SAME way from the age of 15 - 24. I read books didnt watch too much TV, and worked out. I felt smarter than others my age and i didnt feel like i had anything in common with them. The problem is Older guys only see a 21 yrold and a piece of ass... plain and simple. So get your head out of the books watch some reality TV ( i know its horrible but bear with it) And FIND common ground between you and your age group. Just a some words of Advice from someone who has been in your shoes.

NO NEVER, im not asking you to be FAKE, im asking you to learn to be like others. Try to find common ground with others in your age group. Its not easy trust me. You dont have to dumb yourself down, but try to take interest in what others do besides what YOU like. Its a good way to make friends and eventually find someone youre on the same page with.

Terry I really agree with what you said. I'm 26 years old, smart, laid back and masculine gay man. I'm spiritual and would much rather talk about social issues impacting Black America or the world versus Rhianna's hair color. I mean don't get me wrong I think I'm a pretty stylish guy and I like fashion to an extent, but it's not the center of my wrold. Like you I often feel uncomfortable around a lot of gay men because I feel like I don't relate...and I often they feel it too. I'm not superficial or materialistic and I appreciate personality, good character and loyalty. It's just crazy because I think I'm a great guy and I never thought it would take me so long to find a cool guy that I can call my man but I guess it's a reality huh? If anyone is interested in just chatting. Making a new like-minded friend hit me up kentbrandy29@gmail.com peace n' love

For the record, I've nothing against fem dudes; to each their own; I'll respect and give respect to anyone that gives and shows it to me in return. I've always been that way. But I sure wish I knew of more guys like the one Lincoln is looking for in my area. I too, want, prefer, and am looking for a guy like me who is kool, masculine, intelligent, mature, has a sense of humor, can give good conversation, and gives a damn about himself and about others. I don't see a reason why I should compromise or lower my standards in that sense and settle for anything less. I'm not saying that I won't compromise on certain other things (i.e. not being neat, not having a "perfect" body, or not having a job that pays more/less than mine, etc). But the traits I just mentioned are the real major ones for ME and are what I'm looking for in BOTH potential friends AND lovers! Now, if that means it will be that much longer before I find someone like that, then I guess I'll have to be lonely that much longer (sigh) -- but I'm hoping not too long. I know there are guys like me out there in the world. There just has to be! Lincoln's statement proves that to me!

I liked the article very funny and poignant at the same time. Please keep them coming.

I feel like this article will hurt more gays than make them want to better themselves. I appreciate you Nick D for bringing up a lot of the insecurities that plague our communities but I don't thinks the solutions look at the root of the problems. A lot of this is what the media tells us we need to be insecure about as men.

I notice that a lot of your reasons point to finding a "masculine" partner. Not everyone is attracted to that whole machismo image of what we define as masculine, or might even imply that anything other than masculine is bad. I happen to be what people would consider masculine, but I happen to like my partner to be softer, more passive/submissive. I don't see that as being a BAD thing at all. Just like we often put down bottoms as being "bad" and tops as being "good" or the preferred role. That's totally incorrect. All you masculine, macho, thugged out tops NEED those soft, feminine type bottoms!

Dude I'm 47 and still hot and still get hit on by younger guys. I am partnered to a dude who is 54 and looks good too.

So that stuff about being over the hill at 40 is bullshit.

The rest of the stuff on the list. Yep, you were right!

I'm very late to finding this website and article, but there is a lot of truth in many of the items on the list. I fall into a few of the categories myself. In actuallity, the list (and the factors not listed) can be broken down into categories of the things that can be changed and the things that can't be changed. Age, looks, height and sexual role are things that either can't be changed or aren't easily changed for some and you have to work with the hand you're given. However, many of us will fair better if we worked on the things that can be changed. For instance, I'm a homebody so it's not a surprise that I don't know many gay males and that I don't date often. It's because I don't put myself in the postion to meet like-minded individuals. That is something that I and people like me can change. Our mindset and the way we view things like age can change. At 32, some may consider me over the hill. However, if people in their 30s, 40s and above stop looking at people in their 20s for relationships and start finding things that they like about other people who are 30, 40, 50, etc. then there will be no such thing as "too old." I don't think other 30 somethings are too old. So, if you're 48, people who are in their 20s and 30s who may think that you're "too old" are not your only dating options. That is a mindset that can be changed.

Anyway, I note all that to emphasize the point of focusing on the things that can be changed if we're really looking to connect with other men for relationships and discontinue our membership in the singles club.

Hey Paul…while I applaud anyone furthering their education, I also applaud those entrepreneurs with little to no college education that still educate themselves concerning business and finance. Education can and does come in many packages and it is not mandatory to have a college education or degree to be intelligent or successful.

This posting is very true. i tend to think i am single because its because i tend to be clingy but at the same time, guys just don't know what they want. I feel like i am not trying to marry they person just because i give them attention and show them obviously i like them. I am like so okay so if i am supposedly too clingy for you, then we aren't a match. i have also considered going to Ohio for a year to find the perfect guy and to get my masters. I think LA isn't the place for love.

First of all,i would like to say a special thank you to you Nick D for this article but also for this website. i am in South Africa and out of curiousity and my own research, i accidently stumbled on this website. i very much appreciate the advices and articles posted which brings me to this one to which i can relate. although homosexuality is a tough pill to swallow, no it is a pill that will not be swallowed by the community, i am very happy that some of the question that i have asked myself are answered and help me break out of the shell.

Hmmm…easy simple answer…get the hell out of Milwaukee. LOL

No for real. If you envision yourself in a better or different place, at 20 yrs old what are you willing to do to attempt to get to the better place?

Don’t just look at where / who you are right now at 20, think about where you want to be at 22, 28, 32. If it is in a place where there are more / better options, dating and financially, what are you willing to do to get there?

I did it when I was 24 and many other young men have also. Many from much more sexual repressive places than Milwaukee.

Regarding #6 -- being way too muscular -- that may be the author's preference not to have too many muscles on a guy, but quite a number of men are into that look. I have never, EVER encountered a muscular man in the gay/bi/DL life who had a hard time getting a date simply because of their muscles. I observe that most woman are not into bodybuilders, but there are quite a few men who are really turned on by them. That being said, I will agree that the majority of people are into them, but to suggest it's a hindrance in dating between two men is a little of a stretch.

I'm average build and had a casual sexual relationship with a muscle bound dude....I can honestly say out of all the guys I've dated he was the MOST insecure...he always thought he was fat and would need me to validate his looks constantly. It was just a sexual thing for me but I found him wanting to get serious but honestly he lacked a lot of depth...we would try to have meaningful, philosphical conversations and I would lose him everytime. When I started seriously dating another guy-regular dates, dinner, trips together, etc. He started to become sooooo jealous and I was sooooo shocked! I thought he just wanted a sexual relationship and was hooking up with all these guys and then I found out that he was soooo lonely at the end of the day. He has a beautiful soul and I hope that he realizes that he's amazing without the muscles just as much as he is with them. My story was not to down play gym heads but that's not my thing. I am looking for depth and someone I can build with. Oh yeah and thick brothas RULe! :-)

Thanks and we look forward to hearing from you!

What up man. Thanks for the compliment and we are glad you like our website. Feel free to browse around and leave comments if you like. Also you can always hit us up directly at discreetcity@gmail.com.

Thanks again for visiting and help spread the word about DiscreetCity.com

Damn Nick D, another great article. Keep up the good work.

I totally agree with alot of the insight of the writer I myself am a mid thirties black masculine gay man and at this time in my life feel I'm ready to settle down with a compatiable partner I'm not a club person or some one that is in the bar seen or has alot gay friends or know alot of gays socially so I'm limited to online and most on their are looking for quick hook ups or they do not know how to get off line once they find some one that should be a article people who are addicted to online always searching I always get approached by youngsters 18-25 which is big my preference I look younger for my age and I'm in good shape but I prefer guys 27 to 34 most it seems like there's no effort now a days put forth every one wants instant and if its not instant on to the next I'm in Southern California near LA and its definetly the case out here so I'm open to the possibility of the one but its harder for a gay man for sure to find.

The "Standards are too high" is definitely number one but under it should have the following sub-criteria in order of priority:

- Be under 30 (or 28 in some areas)
- Have "the perfect" Adonis body
- Bank accounts must be flush with cash; credit cards with near-unlimited spending limits
- Trot around with the latest Apple product

I think a lot of internal issues with the "community" can be resolved if we simply acknowledge and admit that all we are a shallow, judgmental, sanctimonious, selfish, fickle, obnoxious, and delusional bunch and we deserve to be alone/single and will die alone bitter, broken, jaded people because we spent our lives chasing illusions that never came true.

Wow love the article, I'm 40yrs Single man & love it... Odd thing is I connect (freak) with dudes who have a long laundry list... No dark skin. No one ova 25, no uncut., no total top...on & on but 3-4-5 I'm like Trey Songs.. LOL. I know theses sexy. Beautiful men have mates & want a quickie...Not saying everryone cheat, but majority do

Very realistic look at something that I feel needs to be more publicly addressed. I've seen myself move through many of these points along in my life and I can relate and see that these things are fictitious, sadly.

Why is every body black?

How about the Asians? We know GAY men are even embarrassed to be seen with them. I know too many of you that are.

Apart from number 10, all these things listed can be said as to why anyone is single, whether gay, straight, bi, trans. They're hardly only issues for gay and bi people.

Re: #6

Now this I'm not too sure I can agree with. Yeah it's somewhat true to find gay men who workout alot, but this is more an issue than something to be complacent with. More gay men need to start working out. At the average party, I am not impressed with guys with their shirts off.

I rarely ever meet a guy who is on my level of fitness, and I'm not even ALL that muscular. I don't even play any sports. But, it's so hard to find a guy with some definition in his arms/abs when I go out. If someone is not athletic atleast a little bit, on some level...then how am I supposed to be happy with that versus who I see at the gym everyday?

For the ones who are 'intimidated' to be intimate and take their shirt off....that's some bullshit. If they choose to be in-active and just sit around smoking cigarettes, doing drugs and drinking and not hitting to the gym, they can change that. But they don't want to.

Queers don't want relationships other than one-nighters and quick, instant hookups. By getting into a relationship, they have "surrendered" and "settled" for what they can get.

Why do that when there's always, always someone younger, prettier, richer, and overall better around the corner? It's social suicide.

Never settle. Never surrender. Never give up the freedom of having the hottest guy every time you turn a corner.

I'm a 16 year old femboy, I'm gay I am only attracted to masculine guys,but I seem to have trouble not finding them just keeping them, because eventually they get a little ''Uncomfortable'' with my feminism. I know I still have my whole life ahead, but it just be great to find a masc man or guy that's likes femboys, and just be with them for a little while.. Boys my age attend to be more masculine and want their partner to also be masculine. I've had masc boyfriends, but they found I guess I'd say less femmy guys than me, because I'm not total girl femmy, but I'm very femmy though.