Discreet City | By Nicholas Delmacy
The one thing that I'm always asked by discreet masculine men I meet is this: "How do I meet people?"
By "people" they always mean "men" and by "men" they always mean "Guys to have sex with, date and/or just be friends with."
This is a very good question. If you're a discreet, masculine, unclockable gay/bisexual man, by definition it’s hard to meet other men like yourself, let alone spot another one in a crowd.
I often use the analogy of a used car when discussing this issue:
Say you have a car that you want to sell. However, you don't want to advertise that it’s for sale or even give strangers the impression that it may possibly be on the market at all. On top of that, there may be great potential buyers out there but you dare not randomly inquire their interest in buying a car nor do they themselves dare give the impression that they are interested in buying a car for fear of being Outed as a car purchaser.
This is the life of a discreet masculine man.
Admittedly, this dilemma is self-imposed. Dating is hard for everyone but if guys like ourselves were more open about our sexuality, we'd attract more people who were also attracted to men, even if for just one night.
Example: Many feminine guys who were "Out" during their high school years have told me that back then they were secretly approached by many guys (often by guys that had publicly harassed them).
These young men wrestling with their sexuality at least knew where to go if they wanted a blow job from another guy: The feminine boy advertising that his car was for sale.
So back to the question, "How do I meet people?"
My answer to these guys is always the same: “It depends on your Level of Gay Comfort.”
What is that exactly? Keep reading to find out...
See the 10 Level Guide to Meeting Masculine Men, In Just One Click.
By "people" they always mean "men" and by "men" they always mean "Guys to have sex with, date and/or just be friends with."
This is a very good question. If you're a discreet, masculine, unclockable gay/bisexual man, by definition it’s hard to meet other men like yourself, let alone spot another one in a crowd.
I often use the analogy of a used car when discussing this issue:
Say you have a car that you want to sell. However, you don't want to advertise that it’s for sale or even give strangers the impression that it may possibly be on the market at all. On top of that, there may be great potential buyers out there but you dare not randomly inquire their interest in buying a car nor do they themselves dare give the impression that they are interested in buying a car for fear of being Outed as a car purchaser.
This is the life of a discreet masculine man.
Admittedly, this dilemma is self-imposed. Dating is hard for everyone but if guys like ourselves were more open about our sexuality, we'd attract more people who were also attracted to men, even if for just one night.
Example: Many feminine guys who were "Out" during their high school years have told me that back then they were secretly approached by many guys (often by guys that had publicly harassed them).
These young men wrestling with their sexuality at least knew where to go if they wanted a blow job from another guy: The feminine boy advertising that his car was for sale.
So back to the question, "How do I meet people?"
My answer to these guys is always the same: “It depends on your Level of Gay Comfort.”
What is that exactly? Keep reading to find out...
See the 10 Level Guide to Meeting Masculine Men, In Just One Click.
A Level of Gay Comfort is something I came up with to distinguish various types of masculine discreet Gay men. How “comfortable” a man is in doing certain things to meet other guys determines his level of comfort in being a Gay/Bisexual man of color. I’d say that I’ve been at Level Eight in my Gayness since 2009, which means that I shot from level 3 to 8 in just two years.
Let's begin at the beginning:
Let's begin at the beginning:
Level One: Paranoid Masculine Men
This is the base level. Many discreet masculine men start off here but only a small percentage stays here their whole lives. At this level, there is NO level of comfort with being Gay. Men here are paranoid that anyone will discover their attraction to other men.
It’s a constant fear. They sometimes will act overly-masculine, aggressive and violent in an attempt to deflect suspicion. There are many unhappily married Bisexual men at this Level of Gay Comfort that secretly masturbate to Gay porn instead of meeting other men.
People often say that there were not as many Gay people around 50 years ago but that isn't true. Many of them were in this paranoid state of not wanting anyone to find out about them.
This is the base level. Many discreet masculine men start off here but only a small percentage stays here their whole lives. At this level, there is NO level of comfort with being Gay. Men here are paranoid that anyone will discover their attraction to other men.
It’s a constant fear. They sometimes will act overly-masculine, aggressive and violent in an attempt to deflect suspicion. There are many unhappily married Bisexual men at this Level of Gay Comfort that secretly masturbate to Gay porn instead of meeting other men.
People often say that there were not as many Gay people around 50 years ago but that isn't true. Many of them were in this paranoid state of not wanting anyone to find out about them.
Pros: No one will ever find out you are attracted to men. Your discretion remains intact.
Cons: No one will ever find out you are attracted to men (which defeats the point). Chronic masturbation and antisocial behavior is a side effect to this level.
Cons: No one will ever find out you are attracted to men (which defeats the point). Chronic masturbation and antisocial behavior is a side effect to this level.
Level Two: Telephone Chat Lines
This is one of the most private ways to meet men. It is the modern day Gay equivalent to Blind Dating. It is also one of the most debasing and vulgar ways to meet them. The telephone chat lines are filled with men just looking for quick anonymous no-strings-attached sex. If you’re looking for more than that you have to be patient and weed through the perverts. Personally, I’ve met a few really good datable guys there but it was like catching lightning in a bottle.
One of the top Free chat lines in America is The Blade brought to us by Talkee, available in 16 states. The anonymity in creating a Google Voice number and calling the line is priceless. Many guys will ask you to send them a photo but I never have in the past so don’t feel pressured.
This option can be dangerous as some men have reportedly been lured into meeting for a hookup only to be assaulted and robbed. Always meet in a public place if you choose this option.
Pros: By hearing their voice before you meet, you can better gauge whether or not the other person is masculine or feminine. You don’t have to reveal your phone number or photo.
Cons: Can be potentially dangerous exposing you to potential Sexually Transmitted Infections, robbery attempts, assaults and more.
This is one of the most private ways to meet men. It is the modern day Gay equivalent to Blind Dating. It is also one of the most debasing and vulgar ways to meet them. The telephone chat lines are filled with men just looking for quick anonymous no-strings-attached sex. If you’re looking for more than that you have to be patient and weed through the perverts. Personally, I’ve met a few really good datable guys there but it was like catching lightning in a bottle.
One of the top Free chat lines in America is The Blade brought to us by Talkee, available in 16 states. The anonymity in creating a Google Voice number and calling the line is priceless. Many guys will ask you to send them a photo but I never have in the past so don’t feel pressured.
This option can be dangerous as some men have reportedly been lured into meeting for a hookup only to be assaulted and robbed. Always meet in a public place if you choose this option.
Pros: By hearing their voice before you meet, you can better gauge whether or not the other person is masculine or feminine. You don’t have to reveal your phone number or photo.
Cons: Can be potentially dangerous exposing you to potential Sexually Transmitted Infections, robbery attempts, assaults and more.
Level Three: Online Sex/Dating Sites
This is the most common way to meet men and is typically the introduction most men have into the “Gay Lifestyle.” Most Gay men have had an online profile on a website at some point in their lives. It takes awhile for men to get to this comfort level after elevating from Level One. This is also where many men top off, never going to a higher level than this.
All of the Gay guys that I consider close friends, I’ve met through the Internet. This method allows you to take your time and get a sense of who the person is before you meet them in person. The downside here is that its harder to protect anonymity. Not only do you normally have to post pictures of yourself, your identity can also be (technically) traced through your ISP.
Also, there are still dangers involved with this method. There have been criminal cases of assaults on men responding to online ads though Craigslist and others. Always meet in a public place if you choose this option.
The more popular sites for men of color are Adam4Adam, Men4Now and BGCLlive. People have reported using sites like Facebook, Myspace and Blackplanet for hookups in the past but I never saw how that was possible if they were in fact “discreet.”
Pros: The most popular method means more men to choose from no matter where you’re located. More time to weed through incompatible guys.
Cons: Not as “anonymous” as people would think. Photos of yourself required for better responses. Can be potentially dangerous exposing you to potential Sexually Transmitted Infections, robbery attempts, assaults and more.
This is the most common way to meet men and is typically the introduction most men have into the “Gay Lifestyle.” Most Gay men have had an online profile on a website at some point in their lives. It takes awhile for men to get to this comfort level after elevating from Level One. This is also where many men top off, never going to a higher level than this.
All of the Gay guys that I consider close friends, I’ve met through the Internet. This method allows you to take your time and get a sense of who the person is before you meet them in person. The downside here is that its harder to protect anonymity. Not only do you normally have to post pictures of yourself, your identity can also be (technically) traced through your ISP.
Also, there are still dangers involved with this method. There have been criminal cases of assaults on men responding to online ads though Craigslist and others. Always meet in a public place if you choose this option.
The more popular sites for men of color are Adam4Adam, Men4Now and BGCLlive. People have reported using sites like Facebook, Myspace and Blackplanet for hookups in the past but I never saw how that was possible if they were in fact “discreet.”
Pros: The most popular method means more men to choose from no matter where you’re located. More time to weed through incompatible guys.
Cons: Not as “anonymous” as people would think. Photos of yourself required for better responses. Can be potentially dangerous exposing you to potential Sexually Transmitted Infections, robbery attempts, assaults and more.
Level Four: Mobile Apps
This is the newest method to meet guys, yet it’s much like the previous level. Like the websites, these apps require you to post “face pics” in order to get a decent amount of quality responses. Apps like Grindr, Jack'd, Loopt and Knocking Live have made meeting guys as easy as sending a text message.
If you’re comfortable enough in your Gayness to use your traceable cell phone to meet men for casual hookup sex, welcome to Level Four.
Admittedly, I've met two guys through this method and they both were expecting sex the first day even though we agreed that wasn't on the table.
This method is a crap-shoot. I've heard some crazy stories about Grindr. Openly Gay black blogger D. Kareem consistently posts hilarious anecdotes and observations about the App on his blog.
Pros: Convenience.
Cons: The mobile apps offer the same risks as the previous levels.
This is the newest method to meet guys, yet it’s much like the previous level. Like the websites, these apps require you to post “face pics” in order to get a decent amount of quality responses. Apps like Grindr, Jack'd, Loopt and Knocking Live have made meeting guys as easy as sending a text message.
If you’re comfortable enough in your Gayness to use your traceable cell phone to meet men for casual hookup sex, welcome to Level Four.
Admittedly, I've met two guys through this method and they both were expecting sex the first day even though we agreed that wasn't on the table.
This method is a crap-shoot. I've heard some crazy stories about Grindr. Openly Gay black blogger D. Kareem consistently posts hilarious anecdotes and observations about the App on his blog.
Pros: Convenience.
Cons: The mobile apps offer the same risks as the previous levels.
Level Five: Sex Parties and Bath Houses
Okay. I was hesitant to include this as an actual level but you do have to be somewhat comfortable to go to a sex party or bath house. Sex Parties (aka Freak Parties) are typically private homes/apartments that charge a small admission fee for you to engage in NSA sex with other men in attendance. Here’s a direct quote from a Sex Party ad: “Anything goes but condoms and lube will be available.”
I have never personally been to anything like this so I can’t speak on it too much (I completely skipped this level). However, I would assume that visiting a sex party carries the same risks as the levels above: Sexually Transmitted Infections from anonymous men and sketchy characters walking amongst you.
In its defense, Gay former friend of mine said that he met a guy at a sex party and they ended up dating for almost a year and a half, so it’s possible to find more than Hepatitis B at one of these functions.
If you’re feeling frisky and want to give this a try, some of the websites listed in Level Three advertise upcoming sex parties in your area.
Okay. I was hesitant to include this as an actual level but you do have to be somewhat comfortable to go to a sex party or bath house. Sex Parties (aka Freak Parties) are typically private homes/apartments that charge a small admission fee for you to engage in NSA sex with other men in attendance. Here’s a direct quote from a Sex Party ad: “Anything goes but condoms and lube will be available.”
I have never personally been to anything like this so I can’t speak on it too much (I completely skipped this level). However, I would assume that visiting a sex party carries the same risks as the levels above: Sexually Transmitted Infections from anonymous men and sketchy characters walking amongst you.
In its defense, Gay former friend of mine said that he met a guy at a sex party and they ended up dating for almost a year and a half, so it’s possible to find more than Hepatitis B at one of these functions.
If you’re feeling frisky and want to give this a try, some of the websites listed in Level Three advertise upcoming sex parties in your area.
Pros: Give me a second…Still trying to think of one. Oh yeah, I hear many of these parties somewhat respect anonymity and usually keep the space very dark or dimly lit.
Cons: See above.
Cons: See above.
Level Six: Mutual Friends
Now we’re getting into a safer territory. This is also what I consider leaving the Beginner Level of Gayness and entering the Intermediate Level.
Odds are that if a masculine discreet man has Gay friends close enough to him to set him up with other masculine discreet guys, he’s pretty experienced and comfortable.
I have to admit that this way to meet men is very rare, at least from my experience and observations.
Pros: Safer way to meet guys. If a friend recommends someone for you to meet, usually some kind of vetting has taken place.
Cons: Dealing with the friend of a friend can become messy. Especially if said friend is hooking you up with a former fuck buddy.
Now we’re getting into a safer territory. This is also what I consider leaving the Beginner Level of Gayness and entering the Intermediate Level.
Odds are that if a masculine discreet man has Gay friends close enough to him to set him up with other masculine discreet guys, he’s pretty experienced and comfortable.
I have to admit that this way to meet men is very rare, at least from my experience and observations.
Pros: Safer way to meet guys. If a friend recommends someone for you to meet, usually some kind of vetting has taken place.
Cons: Dealing with the friend of a friend can become messy. Especially if said friend is hooking you up with a former fuck buddy.
Level Seven: Private Parties
This is probably the best option of them all. If you’re lucky enough to be invited to a private party full of fellow discreet masculine men comfortable enough with themselves to be seen in this environment, odds are you won’t leave without a phone number.
You’re in a comfortable environment, drinks and conversation flowing, confidently knowing that every guy you see there is also sexually attracted to men as well.
Granted you will still have to deal with conflicting desires and intentions (some just want sex, some want more), but this option is so much better than any of the Levels listed above.
Unfortunately, the only way to become invited to one of these parties is to go through a period at the Sixth Level of Gay Comfort.
Pros: Comfortable environment to converse with various people. Very little fear of being “exposed” given that all of the men there are either as discreet as you or very understanding of desires to be discreet.
Cons: If you are an anti-social person, you will have a tough time interacting with guys. If you’re a “new face” at these functions, you will be gawked at repeatedly and become the victim of classic Gay Face. On a rare occasion I’ve seen these functions become a bit “messy” with men beefing over other men.
This is probably the best option of them all. If you’re lucky enough to be invited to a private party full of fellow discreet masculine men comfortable enough with themselves to be seen in this environment, odds are you won’t leave without a phone number.
You’re in a comfortable environment, drinks and conversation flowing, confidently knowing that every guy you see there is also sexually attracted to men as well.
Granted you will still have to deal with conflicting desires and intentions (some just want sex, some want more), but this option is so much better than any of the Levels listed above.
Unfortunately, the only way to become invited to one of these parties is to go through a period at the Sixth Level of Gay Comfort.
Pros: Comfortable environment to converse with various people. Very little fear of being “exposed” given that all of the men there are either as discreet as you or very understanding of desires to be discreet.
Cons: If you are an anti-social person, you will have a tough time interacting with guys. If you’re a “new face” at these functions, you will be gawked at repeatedly and become the victim of classic Gay Face. On a rare occasion I’ve seen these functions become a bit “messy” with men beefing over other men.
Level Eight: Gay Clubs/Gay Bars
Once you’ve reached this Level, you’re officially an Advanced Level Gay Man. Even if you go to a gay club wearing sunglasses and a fitted cap, having the courage to enter that parking lot, stand in that line and enter a gay club officially seals the deal.
The advantage to going to Gay clubs/bars is mostly a subliminal one. When I first built up the courage to go to one and saw literally hundreds of men (of various Ages, Shapes and Degrees of Masculinity) the main thing that hit me was: “I’m not alone. All of these guys are pretty much like me.” Once I got a couple cups of “liquid courage”, I confidently made choppy conversation over the loud music.
The problem with these places is that you never know what you’re going to get once you interact with the person outside of the club/bar.
Typically, if you meet someone in these places and you don’t have sex that night, you most likely won’t hear from them again. Also, these places can be very debasing and promote inappropriate sexually motivated behavior (random ass and crotch gropes are common).
If you are not comfortable going to a club/bar in the city you reside in, rent a car and travel to a nearby city/state. The experience will likely change your life in a good way. Even if you are not much of a club goer in general, I’d recommend experiencing a few different clubs at least once to get it out of your system.
Once you’ve reached this Level, you’re officially an Advanced Level Gay Man. Even if you go to a gay club wearing sunglasses and a fitted cap, having the courage to enter that parking lot, stand in that line and enter a gay club officially seals the deal.
The advantage to going to Gay clubs/bars is mostly a subliminal one. When I first built up the courage to go to one and saw literally hundreds of men (of various Ages, Shapes and Degrees of Masculinity) the main thing that hit me was: “I’m not alone. All of these guys are pretty much like me.” Once I got a couple cups of “liquid courage”, I confidently made choppy conversation over the loud music.
The problem with these places is that you never know what you’re going to get once you interact with the person outside of the club/bar.
Typically, if you meet someone in these places and you don’t have sex that night, you most likely won’t hear from them again. Also, these places can be very debasing and promote inappropriate sexually motivated behavior (random ass and crotch gropes are common).
If you are not comfortable going to a club/bar in the city you reside in, rent a car and travel to a nearby city/state. The experience will likely change your life in a good way. Even if you are not much of a club goer in general, I’d recommend experiencing a few different clubs at least once to get it out of your system.
Pros: The ability to “be yourself” and approach men you’re attracted to much like heterosexuals do in clubs and bars. The fear of being instantly “Outed” to unsuspecting friends and family by going to these places is more a fantasy than a reality (depending on where you live).
Cons: Many clubs/bars are filled with younger feminine men. To some masculine men, this may not really help your comfort level if this is your first time in a club. Many of the men you meet will mainly be looking for a NSA hookup that night.
Cons: Many clubs/bars are filled with younger feminine men. To some masculine men, this may not really help your comfort level if this is your first time in a club. Many of the men you meet will mainly be looking for a NSA hookup that night.
Level Nine: Public Places
This Level of Gay Comfort is for the Jedi-Master Discreet Masculine Gay Men. At this level you have to not only be comfortable approaching unclockable masculine guys in public, you also have to confident that there is a strong possibility that they are Gay themselves. You’ve got to have great “GayDar.”
I myself have never done this in public. The closest I’ve gotten is the ability to slowly flirt with masculine male friends that I wasn’t quite sure were Gay or not (usually they ended up also liking cock, so win for me). But to do this at a gas station, in the gym, the mall, or a supermarket to complete strangers is foreign to me.
But I’ve heard many stories of this being done. I’m told it can start out as simple as a compliment on your shoes or your shirt…Then the infamous question comes “Yo, do you ‘get down?’”…then it ends with you and him smoking a joint after sweaty sex…all within 24 hours!
These men are the Masculine Gay Jedis of our community. It starts with confidence, swag and a Level of Gay Comfort so strong that you don’t care if you get rejected and discovered to “get down” with other men.
Pros: Pretty much everyone is up for grabs if your GayDar is strong.
Cons: You could actually be right about the guy being Gay, but depending on his own level of comfort he may still reject you. When I was still at Levels 1-3 in my Gayness, No matter how sexy the dude was I would have quickly run away from any Level 9 guy approaching me, all why asking myself: “Yo, that dude just hit on me! Oh, shit! Do I give off a Gay-vibe or something?!”
This Level of Gay Comfort is for the Jedi-Master Discreet Masculine Gay Men. At this level you have to not only be comfortable approaching unclockable masculine guys in public, you also have to confident that there is a strong possibility that they are Gay themselves. You’ve got to have great “GayDar.”
I myself have never done this in public. The closest I’ve gotten is the ability to slowly flirt with masculine male friends that I wasn’t quite sure were Gay or not (usually they ended up also liking cock, so win for me). But to do this at a gas station, in the gym, the mall, or a supermarket to complete strangers is foreign to me.
But I’ve heard many stories of this being done. I’m told it can start out as simple as a compliment on your shoes or your shirt…Then the infamous question comes “Yo, do you ‘get down?’”…then it ends with you and him smoking a joint after sweaty sex…all within 24 hours!
These men are the Masculine Gay Jedis of our community. It starts with confidence, swag and a Level of Gay Comfort so strong that you don’t care if you get rejected and discovered to “get down” with other men.
Pros: Pretty much everyone is up for grabs if your GayDar is strong.
Cons: You could actually be right about the guy being Gay, but depending on his own level of comfort he may still reject you. When I was still at Levels 1-3 in my Gayness, No matter how sexy the dude was I would have quickly run away from any Level 9 guy approaching me, all why asking myself: “Yo, that dude just hit on me! Oh, shit! Do I give off a Gay-vibe or something?!”
Level Ten: Out and Proud
This is the polar opposite of Level One. At this stage, the discreet masculine Gay man may not be advertising his sexuality with a billboard, but he’s also not going out of his way to hide it either. He’s most likely experienced many of the previous levels in some form or fashion and has probably moved on from participating in them by now as well.
While dating and meeting other men is still difficult, he’s perfectly comfortable going to public Gay events like Pride parades, Miami Sizzle and Gay Film Festivals. He’s also comfortable joining Gay groups like local Gay flag football teams, local Gay basketball teams and volunteering at local Gay Health Awareness Clinics.
This is the polar opposite of Level One. At this stage, the discreet masculine Gay man may not be advertising his sexuality with a billboard, but he’s also not going out of his way to hide it either. He’s most likely experienced many of the previous levels in some form or fashion and has probably moved on from participating in them by now as well.
While dating and meeting other men is still difficult, he’s perfectly comfortable going to public Gay events like Pride parades, Miami Sizzle and Gay Film Festivals. He’s also comfortable joining Gay groups like local Gay flag football teams, local Gay basketball teams and volunteering at local Gay Health Awareness Clinics.
Pros: You’re officially telling other masculine Gay men that you are on the market.
Cons: You may face resistance in meeting other masculine men who are not yet at this Level of Gay Comfort for fear of being Outed by association.
Cons: You may face resistance in meeting other masculine men who are not yet at this Level of Gay Comfort for fear of being Outed by association.
Admittedly, this list is very generalized. There are many branches that could be split off to fill 10 more blog posts just like this one. However, for any young or old "Beginner Gays" out there, this could be a good starting point to getting yourself acclimated to the so-called "Gay Lifestyle" and the process of meeting other men.
Also, be sure to reference the Classic Lies Gay Men Tell Each Other list when dealing with these new guys that you meet! I GUARANTEE that you'll hear a few of them spoken or texted to you sooner or later. Happy Hunting!
- Nick D
Also, be sure to reference the Classic Lies Gay Men Tell Each Other list when dealing with these new guys that you meet! I GUARANTEE that you'll hear a few of them spoken or texted to you sooner or later. Happy Hunting!
- Nick D
